23 April, 2013. Bangalore
It’s been a while since I have stopped visiting your home (temple) regularly. Years ago, I was there nearly every day sometimes with flowers, sometimes with fruits and sweets and sometimes with just myself. More often than not it was to seek a favor. I visited you when my pleas were not answered too since I had none to turn to who I believed could solve my problems. I cribbed, complained, ranted, sometimes with anger and sometimes in desperation with a drop of tear from my eye, asking you to hear my plea and shower your kindness on me. Days, Months and Years rolled by, I grew older, changed jobs, changed homes but one thing did not change, my visits to your home!!
It is raining outside today, the air is nice and cool and I am curled up with a book which is nudging me to contemplate. I realize that I have not been to your home for a while. The last time I did, I was just thanking you for the wonderful life I have and asked you to give me what you thought would be right for me since my long list of needs and demands have faded away. For a very brief while, a few bubbles of guilt emerged but melted before I could recognize them. Just then waves of deep realization brought a smile to my lips. All these years I kept adding to my list of things that I wanted from you but never took a moment to stop and make a list of what I wanted to give up. When I started to meditate a while ago, I looked inward, clearing, letting go of unwanted things and actually ended up making space for you to come and live with me. I am so glad and blessed that you did, since I can see you, feel your presence all the time instead of making planned visits to your home and feeling guilty and upset when I was not able to do so.
- I am no longer the perfectionist that I used to be. I appreciate the perfection in the imperfection now, and accept things as they arise
- I no longer hold on to unwanted words and actions that are hurled at me and let go before they can make their way towards me.
- I am no longer in a tearing hurry to do things trusting that you will do it at the right time.
- I no longer sow and reap anger and impatience and have made friends with patience instead, trying to learn the tricks to cultivate it in infinite amount
- I no longer dwell in the past and love to be in the present preferring to look at most of the past as faded paintings
- I am not a pessimist any more since all I can see is a rainbow ahead.
- I am not judgemental any longer since a bell rings in my head when I attempt to, and it reminds me of you !!!
- I am no longer on a mission to change everything, leaving it to your will and focussing only on changing myself.
- I no longer feel guilty for anything and everything that happens around me and with me. I am learning to accept things as they are, recognizing your will in everything.
I will continue to make space for you as I keep losing what I have collected and accept all that you are giving me. Please stay with me for ever !!!
An Ardent Temple Goer