23 April, 2013. Bangalore
It’s been a while since I have stopped visiting your home (temple) regularly. For years, I have been an ardent temple goer showing up nearly every day sometimes with flowers, sometimes with fruits and sweets and sometimes with just myself. More often than not it was to seek a favor. I visited you when my pleas were not answered too since I had none to turn to who I believed could solve my problems. I cribbed, complained, ranted, sometimes with anger and sometimes in desperation with a drop of tear from my eye, asking you to hear my plea and shower your kindness on me. Days, Months and Years rolled by, I grew older, changed jobs, changed homes but one thing did not change, my visits to your home!!
It is raining outside today, the air is nice and cool and I am curled up with a book which is nudging me to contemplate why I am not a temple goer any longer. I realize that I have not been to your home for a while. The last time I did, I was just thanking you for the wonderful life I have and asked you to give me what you thought would be right for me since my long list of needs and demands have faded away. For a very brief while, a few bubbles of guilt emerged but melted before I could recognize them. Just then waves of deep realization brought a smile to my lips. All these years I kept adding to my list of things that I wanted from you but never took a moment to stop and make a list of what I wanted to give up. When I started to meditate a while ago, I looked inward, clearing, letting go of unwanted things and actually ended up making space for you to come and live with me. I am so glad and blessed that you did, since I can see you, feel your presence all the time instead of making planned visits to your home and feeling guilty and upset when I was not able to do so.
- I am no longer the perfectionist that I used to be. I appreciate the perfection in the imperfection now, and accept things as they arise
- I no longer hold on to unwanted words and actions that are hurled at me and let go before they can make their way towards me.
- I am no longer in a tearing hurry to do things trusting that you will do it at the right time.
- I no longer sow and reap anger and impatience and have made friends with patience instead, trying to learn the tricks to cultivate it in infinite amount
- I no longer dwell in the past and love to be in the present preferring to look at most of the past as faded paintings
- I am not a pessimist any more since all I can see is a rainbow ahead.
- I am not judgemental any longer since a bell rings in my head when I attempt to, and it reminds me of you !!!
- I am no longer on a mission to change everything, leaving it to your will and focussing only on changing myself.
- I no longer feel guilty for anything and everything that happens around me and with me. I am learning to accept things as they are, recognizing your will in everything.
I will continue to make space for you as I keep losing what I have collected and accept all that you are giving me. Please stay with me for ever !!!
An Ardent Temple Goer